Diving into the Discomfort

Often when we are faced with the uncomfortable our first reaction is to resist. We can resist by defending our position, becoming obstinate, or run away from what ever it is that is making us feel uncomfortable about the situation. These are not the traits one often reads about regarding leadership characteristics.

It is often perceived that when confronted with a counter position to our own that if we ask questions we are giving away power. It is easy to understand why the perception exists in fact it is one of the key reasons why Ask Don’t Tell Leadership is so effective. One is often deputizing their staff by the questions they ask. It is not always the case and it is especially not the case when confronting a tough conversation.

The first point that is essential to remember is that when you ask a question to understand another persons point of view you are not giving up your position. These are two distinctly different things. Your opinion belongs to you. It is yours and no one can make you change that opinion without your consent. It is interesting even when stating the obvious our conversational style does not often believe this to be true. Often the defenses go up and that is a great way to reduce clear communication and one begins to think of every statement or question from the other as a personal attack to oneself and begins to close down communication or they start to fight back by using language that is inappropriate to the situation only to regret it the next day. By remembering that you give up nothing by becoming curious you are likely to move a whole lot further from these entrenched positions.

I like to imagine taking a swan dive into a pool of this discomfort and that this is a “10” no splash when I hit the goop that is making me uncomfortable. The dive to me represents asking questions in an area that I am uncomfortable being in – the deep end of the pool! It always takes a moment for me to step back and remind myself that by defending my position I learn nothing and that in fact I may not understand the other persons point of view at all.

If you were to ask me to role play with you. In this role play you played me and I played the person that I disagree with I could likely tell you every response that they will make defending their position. The difference is that I am not them and no matter how much I would like to believe that I know where they are coming from I don’t. As much as people look different on the outside their minds are millions of times different. To be able to understand another’s position completely takes a great deal of curiosity, patience, calm and listening. The other part is that the questions are not that of attacking so there is no need for the person to defend themselves at all. They simply are answering questions from a very interested person. It amazes me how many times there is a gem that is discovered often by both sides that shine an entirely new light on the situation change one or both peoples positions.

To be an effective leader one must suspend their position long enough to understand all the positions in order to give full consideration to the different parties. This is especially true when it is a member of your team. This is your opportunity to use Ask Don’t Tell Leadership to enhance your leadership with your team.